Updating My “List of 100 Dreams”

Updating My “List of 100 Dreams”
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Updating My List of 100 Dreams

Once upon a time, way back in 2018, I was inspired to create a List of 100 Dreams after listening to the audiobook 168 Hours. I buckled down and got to work on the very long list, and posted it here when I was finished. It was full of a pretty good mix of things. Some were more easily achievable than others, but at the time everything on the list seemed to make sense.

Flash forward 2 years, to the present, and my life has changed in about a million different ways. I chose a few of the items to actively try to work on, and some I ended up completing just by navigating the changes in my life. Some of the things make absolutely no sense for my life anymore, and some are things I just don’t care about now. I guess that’s part of the appeal of the list, too; revisiting it and making changes as your life changes, and figuring out which things are still important to you.

In the midst of a global pandemic, while everyone is stuck at home and trying to figure out how to pass the time, I thought I would revisit my list and see what I could work on. At this point, even though part of the idea behind the list is that trying to think of 100 dreams makes you really start narrowing in on things, I’ve decided to cut my list down to 50. That’s still a lot of dreams, and I think it will be nice to be able to focus more on each one instead of having 100 things haunting me in the back of my mind.

It was kind of anxiety-provoking to have this long list of things I wanted to do sitting out here on the internet while I was just trying to stay alive some days. 50 things seems like an okay compromise, and this is my blog, so I make my own rules. You can, of course, read my original 100 dreams by clicking here, but here is a rundown of the what I accomplished, what I’ve changed my mind about, and what my list looks like now.

(If you want to skip ahead to just read the new list, click here.)

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Notes I’ll Never Send

Notes I’ll Never Send
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Notes I’ll Never Send

Hi,

June 20

I feel like I’ve said goodbye to you a million times, but I think this might be it. It’s scary to admit that, because I’m not sure I’ll ever meet someone else who made me feel all the ways you did. I never knew that it was possible to feel so at home with another person until I met you. You might think this is just me being dramatic (classic me), but I am thankful that I knew you, even if it wasn’t completely, and even if it was just for a little while.

I wish I could go back in time and be more for you, because you deserved more than I gave. I took your warmth, and I took your comfort, and I’m sorry that I never consistently gave the same back to you.

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Sometimes You Forget You Have Depression (and Suddenly It Has You)

Sometimes You Forget You Have Depression (and Suddenly It Has You)
Sometimes You Forget You Have Depression and Suddenly Depression Has You

It’s the end of September, and if you hadn’t noticed, this is my first blog post in months. The last few months have been busy at work, and kind of hectic in general, but being busy isn’t actually what kept me from blogging – lack of motivation and the total shitshow that is my mental health are what really did me in. I’m a little bit used to struggling with motivation when it comes to things I don’t always love, like going to the gym or getting laundry done, but it seems strange to find myself struggling to post new content on this blog when writing is something I enjoy.

One of the reasons I started a blog was because I have a lot of thoughts that I find easiest to express through writing (and then editing the shit out of. I second guess and edit almost every sentence of everything I write, including Facebook posts.) I am an expert at writing long-winded text messages and paragraph-long Facebook posts about all of the things I’m thinking all of the time. I can go on and on once I start thinking about something, but over the last few months, sitting down to write blog posts has left my mind totally blank. I have a list of blog post ideas and things I’d love to write about, but when it was time to actually sit and write, it’s like I had no opinion about anything.

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