Notes I’ll Never Send
I feel like I’ve said goodbye to you a million times, but I think this might be it. It’s scary to admit that, because I’m not sure I’ll ever meet someone else who made me feel all the ways you did. I never knew that it was possible to feel so at home with another person until I met you. You might think this is just me being dramatic (classic me), but I am thankful that I knew you, even if it wasn’t completely, and even if it was just for a little while.
I wish I could go back in time and be more for you, because you deserved more than I gave. I took your warmth, and I took your comfort, and I’m sorry that I never consistently gave the same back to you.
It’s the end of September, and if you hadn’t noticed, this is my first blog post in months. The last few months have been busy at work, and kind of hectic in general, but being busy isn’t actually what kept me from blogging – lack of motivation and the total shitshow that is my mental health are what really did me in. I’m a little bit used to struggling with motivation when it comes to things I don’t always love, like going to the gym or getting laundry done, but it seems strange to find myself struggling to post new content on this blog when writing is something I enjoy.
One of the reasons I started a blog was because I have a lot of thoughts that I find easiest to express through writing (and then editing the shit out of. I second guess and edit almost every sentence of everything I write, including Facebook posts.) I am an expert at writing long-winded text messages and paragraph-long Facebook posts about all of the things I’m thinking all of the time. I can go on and on once I start thinking about something, but over the last few months, sitting down to write blog posts has left my mind totally blank. I have a list of blog post ideas and things I’d love to write about, but when it was time to actually sit and write, it’s like I had no opinion about anything.